Fantasy’94 August 13, 1994 Calgary’s 100th Birthday.

One week to the event. Time seemed to be flying. I had to create more music. The 90 minute show had only 60 minutes of music. Fantasy ’93 was only 60 minutes because of the fire ban laws. There was no way I could create 30 more minutes when I was being pulled into so many directions. Chaos was not even a good word. There had to be a better word to describe mayhem every day. I was the only one that could answer their questions. I began working with the band to learn the songs I wanted them to play so I could sing a few of the songs and not play them at all. I needed another vocalist, male, for the duets and back ground singers to want to preform for free. The newspaper was advertising for us at the time and the gentleman responsible for our ads was a singer. He asked me if he could be a part of the show. I listened to him sing and he had a great voice! His ability to harmonize needed a little work. I was scared that when I sang the high parts, it would throw him off. Didn’t have time to be picky. He really was terrific. The whole band was great. Most of the music for the show were my songs but I didn’t have time to write more. It had to come from the heart. I couldn’t force it. I decided to fill my music in with other famous songs. Rod Sterwart, Phantom of the Opera, Barbra Streisand and Frankie Goes To Hollywood.  Frankie had a hit called “The Power of Love”. A very strong love ballad. I dedicated that song to Dave. Such a beautiful song with so much meaning.

The stage crew were putting up the set the day before. The owner told me he didn’t think there would be too large of a turnout. These shows, he went on to stay, can be viewed from anywhere. Many people, for some reason, including my family had doubt that it would attract a lot of people. They claimed many didn’t even know about it. I have no idea why I believed them, but I did. I had never been on a stage performing like this. It was hard to sleep the night before but I managed a few hours. In the morning, the day of the event, I had a turning tummy. I couldn’t shake it! Stage fright? Is that what that was? Or perhaps worry that something would go wrong? I had not had a chance to work or practise on any of my songs at all. It had been 6 months since the last time I played.  I was too busy to touch the music part of this event which was the entire event really. Did I remember the songs? Would I make a mistake? God forbid. Please let all go smooth today.  We had our small sponsors at the event setting up all day. Kodak, Pepsi, who agreed to sell their Pepsi Products at the venue and give us a kickback. 7-11 setting up laser glasses stations and hotdog vendors everywhere. Other vendors showed up taking advantage of the small crowds with things for kids to do, petting zoo’s and other things. The stage area and VIP space was all blocked off by security as set up would take all day. The two grand pianos were the final things to be delivered to the stage. The event would start at sundown. The events visual effects could not be seen unless it was dark. The sky was to be our screen. By three in the afternoon, our sponsored makeup crew needed to begin working on me. Only then it hit me that I forgot to deal with what I was to wear! I didn’t really have anything fancy. I lived in shorts and tank tops. My aunt quickly ushered me away from the madness and took me to the mall to pick me up a sequin dress. I found a nice one. A little big but had no time to adjust it. They literally pinned it on me. Traffic was terrible getting back to the site. I called the stage manager and told him I was stuck in major traffic and we weren’t moving. He asked for my exact location and would send a police escort to come get us. What was all this traffic anyways? Police arrived and it was so amazing how they had us out of traffic in no time. The closer we got to the venue, the more visual it was why traffic was so bad. It was for the show.  The police had stage security make a way for me to the back of the stage. The entire area was blocked off with people. Traffic was at a standstill. People, tour busses and police everywhere. I started shaking. From behind the stage, I could peek and all I saw was thousands of people for as far as the eye could see. The waves of people were in every direction. I would find out the next day that 85,000 people attended the event. All those who told me it would be a small turn out took there words back rather quickly. It was now time for me to go on stage and put my ear pieces in to do a sound check of my keyboards and mic’s. I was shaking with nerves. Get a grip hun!!! The day has finally come and I can’t stop shaking. As I hit a few keys, the crowd screamed. It felt so good! What power I had at that moment. Air traffic was amazing. A plane landing or taking off every 10 minutes. All flights at the event time were warned of a delay. It was getting dark. My nerves were so bad my appointed stage manager told me through my ear piece, he had a bottle of sweet white wine for me and his assistant was just pouring me a glass. He was amazing! I sat off to the side back stage listening to the thousands of people and the cheering having a cigarette and a glass of wine to calm down. I made sure that Dave was seated right in front of me in the crowd. The stage manager came up to me to give me a quick lesson on the ear pieces I had in my ears. The left one was to help me with pitch so I could hear myself sing through the loudness of the music and the crowd. The right one was to talk to the crowd and to my stage hands. Oh my goodness! Did he have to be teaching that to me now? He said the Mic was always on. I could freely talk to the entire stage staff, lighting staff and himself by just speaking while I was performing. I could then speak to the crowd in between songs. It was set that way. What if I messed up and had to speak to a staff member after the song? Would the whole audience hear it? Oh dear lord. “Ok hun, don’t mess up”. I said this over and over to myself. 

It was time, 10:38pm. I stepped on stage and the crowd went crazy. I felt so important, so famous when really I wasn’t.  It felt so nice. I did not say anything to the crowd. Really I was confused at what the Mic was set to at that moment anyways. The opening song would be 2 minutes long and have extreme explosive lasers and fireworks to kick off the show. The crowd screamed with excitment. I could not see all that was happening above me in the sky. The stage had a roof on it with hundreds of lights attached to it. If I looked up it would blind me. My heart only went with the crowds feedback. What they were seeing, and they loved it. I could see the reflections of the lasers and fireworks on them and only in the sky in front of me. Until this day I do not know what it all looked like. Only pictures would tell me and the loud cheers. I got to see my designs of the holographic eagle I designed. The laser fan I played with my hands and the laser rain drops over the crowd. My music was beautiful. After each song I asked how the crowd was doing and if they were having a good time and wanted more. The screams were deafening. Half way into the show while playing one of the slow songs I created, the smoke machine went off and wouldn’t stop. The stage crew couldn’t get it to turn off. The smoke was so thick and intense. You couldn’t see the stage or anything on the stage for that matter. I couldn’t see my keyboards or the keys. Panicking on my Mic, they could do nothing but apologize. The show had to go on. Luckily my talent was playing blindfolded. I couldn’t see anything but still played perfectly. I could hear the staff talking to each other through my ear piece. They were astonished how I was able to still play when I couldn’t see at all. The smoke finally cleared and the smoke caused amazing effects with the lasers as it worked it’s way up into the sky before disappearing. I sang my love song directly to Dave. Stepping down off the stage and right to him. He gave me a kiss and he had tears in his eyes. The unbelievable feeling for both of us to be performing this show with so much history getting it to happen. Here it was.  It was almost over. I didn’t want to finish. I was having so much fun. The last song was to be the bang all to end all. It was so loud, so visual and I could have guaranteed no one had ever seen anything like it. I wrote a song called “Heavens Edge”. It was the last song. I played and sang the song with all my heart. I knew at the end of it, this would all be over. Fifteen minutes after I thanked everyone and said goodnight exiting the stage, people were still clapping and cheering. The laser company treated the crowd to lasers here and there to give the crowd something to look at while they were trying to wait for the people to disperse. Police escorted myself and whatever family was backstage, out of the crowd and towards home. As soon as it lightened up, police left us to continue on. As soon as I got home, I remember lying down on the couch and was out just as fast! I was coming down off such an extreme high from the cheering people and mentally exhausted from the event but guess what?………… I did it!

Nail Biting!

Christmas had just passed and 1994 was upon us. I was working so hard to ensure the show would be successful. Many of our sponsors went on to give to other charities and had already spent their advertising budgets for the year. Most major companies ran their year from October to October. Financially? It was not looking pretty but I did not have much of a choice. The lasers and fireworks were already booked and deposits were given to many companies working with us for their services. We had 4 touring companies signed on to arrive at the show. That would mean 150 people that had already paid their bus fares and prebooked to come see the show. I had only managed to raise $11,000 so far. This was becoming a problem. Financially the show was doomed. After my father’s stunt, it would be difficult to gain trust again. The problem? The media was already having an advertising frenzy. Our show was on the radio and in the paper. People had already known about it from the ’93 advertised event. When we left Kelowna, people were informed that Calgary was the new venue site.  Many were willing to drive that far and see it. Before I left Kelowna, I had a talk with the very same reporter. I told him my father was sick. Sick in the head actually. He talked about putting him in a facility. I laughed to myself. I thought to say “you mean jail”? I chuckled, couldn’t say that. We did have a great conversation and he did promise to come see the show. He was also getting bombarded with questions so he did another second page cover to his story adding that the venue site was changing. I had no idea I was to keep hitting road blocks. 

Once again, I had to get permits. The fire chief, the police, the city council, air traffic control from the airport and now added to my list, the zoo. Our venue site was at Fort Calgary backing the river. Next to us was a large zoo. We needed the zoo’s approval to shoot the fireworks off. If the noise intimidated or panicked the animals in any way, we would have to move the venue site. That was the only place in Calgary next to downtown that would work to not only hold a lot of people but we needed the river and the downtown buildings to shoot fireworks off them and hanging some mirrors on the buildings.  By May, our fireworks company would fly in from Vancouver and preform the sound test.  We were all nervous that day as the fireworks popped over the city and the zoo. So far so good. Then at night more fireworks had to be set off for a reaction from the animals. There were none. The zoo confirmed that all was a pass! No animals were startled or reacted any differently. We got the green lights for all permits. I was beginning to worry that raising the fund’s was becoming difficult. Deep down, I hoped that a permit, any permit would not be granted. I would have a reason to not go on with the show. I surly didn’t have the funds to pay for it. Many sponsors were telling us they would sponsor the next event the following year. They were willing to sign contracts but not this year’s event. Next year is great but what about now? The event was turning out to be such a difficult journey.  Getting green lights for important things but red lights for the more important things. By June I was only able to raise $25,000. How was I suppose to get 1.5 million? It was 1 million less in Calgary  but still, in two months? I seemed to do my best thinking when I was with Dave. He took we out one night and just as we were going to leave, the same song ” Your eyes” came up. The one we danced to together in Vancouver.  We had to have that dance together again. This time a little more sober. 

My new idea was to use the businesses that were all asking for so much money, to actually be the sponsors. They would get the advertising for their businesses. First thing in the morning, I started to make my calls. I needed to see if this was going to work! I began calling our firework, laser, stage crews and set up, scaffolding and about 30 other businesses that were to work with us and get paid. I would pitch my idea to them explaining the benefits to it. Remember I was a marketer. I had to convince two of our major financial bills to basically do it for free. Together, our lasers and fireworks were to cost $750,000. The stage, scaffolding and crew would cost $70,000. The musical equipment and sound would cost $80,000. Security and staff payrolls would cost $120,000. Insurance and personal security would cost  $150,000. Those were Just a few bills we had to pay. Performing in the city would be much cheaper than our original venue in Kelowna.  The downtown core was now available to us instead of using mountain which would have been more expensive. One of our biggest costs was dousing the mountains and trees with water around the venue site twice the same day. British Columbia was known to be prone to forest fires. We did not have a lot of the problems and expenses in Calgary that we had in Kelowna. 

For the next week I would work diligently on reducing the cost of the show. I had to track down managers, owners, so many calls, voicemails, call backs. This guy was out of town that guy on holidays, this one on medical leave, find who was taking their place, go over the whole story again, who was in what time zone, and so on. It was hell! By Friday, I managed to bring the cost down from 1.5 million to $30,000. What?? Wow was I good! The laser company would sponsor their own services bring my cost down to $3000.00. I only had to pay the fee to border security for the equipment shipment costs across the border. Fireworks would cost only $1000.00 to pay the staff for setting it up and setting them off. I had to pay for police and security at the site for that day. Staging and scaffolding would only come to $1000.00. A few other minor costs. Band members, instrumemt rentals, everything else would be free or sponsored.

It was now July. Less than one month to Fantasy ’94. Everything was falling into place other than inhad not touched a keyboard to practise what I had to do on stage. There was no time for that. The hype was more intense on the radio and in the papers. There was only one of me. So many things to do that only I could do. I had to organise so many people. Not enough hours were in the day to get it all done. We were so low on funds. Even the $30,000 was hard to scrape. We just lost our home and the boat. We didn’t have much left. I received a phone call from the laser company saying theb $3000 shipping cost payment needed to be made by Friday or they would ship the lasers back. No one had it. Where was i going to get it from? That Thursday night, my sister and I went to bingo. Trying our luck. The special was a $3000 jackpot if you bingo by yourself. “G” 54 was all I needed. I looked up into the camera and it was a green “G” ball. As the caller turned it around…it was 54! I yelled bingo so loud and waited to see if anyone else would tell with me but no one did! It was by myself! They checked my ticket and Yes! It was a good bingo! They paid me $3000 cash and all the way home my sister and I were in awe. Shocked to the core at how ironic the situation was. The next day I was able to go to the airport and pay the $3000 fee. 

What Else Could I Say?

I had driven for over three hours and it was getting late. In my family, if you don’t call or let anyone know where you are, they assume the worst and call the police.  A few moments later, I began to come down off my anger high and reality began to set in. If I was missing, they would call the police. The last thing I needed was to draw attention to me and the situation with my father. I sure messed up now. Even if I was to turn around and drive home, it would take me another almost four hours. I would not be home until three in the morning. Jessica was out of town visiting her family. I had no one and could not come up with anything. I was stuck in the middle of no where. No phone. Just my car. I kept driving further away to find a payphone or some means of communication but what the heck was I suppose to say? I had to think of something real quick because the last thing I wanted was anger towards me from my parents especially my father. I was terrified of him. Terrified of all the threats I grew up knowing. What ever this lie was, it had to be good and definitely believable. Kidnapped. That’s it. I will call my family and tell them I was kidnapped from the parking lot at the gym. Two kidnappers were involved. They put me in the back of my car and took off with me. They had given me four Tylenol number fours. Strong medication to knock me out. The next thing I know, I woke up in the middle of a field in the back of my car. I looked around all groggy and quickly junped into the drivers seat and escaped! I took off to the highway driving like a maniac. Found the nearest payphone and called the police. Would that work? It had to because time was running out.  I finally found a payphone and police were already notified by my family that I was missing. I knew it. I called the police in a panic and within minutes they had found me. They took me to the police station in a small town. I got to talk to my family for a short moment and was told they were on the way to me. My brother even left to come meet me as he was only three hours away as well. Police couldn’t find any traces of struggle or being kidnapped. They asked me so many questions about what they looked like but I told them they were wearing masks. One officer didn’t quite believe my story so they put me through a lie detector test. I was so believing my own story that I passed it. After what I witnessed with my sister, I was depleted. I lost all my marbles. Instead of waiting at the police station they put me up in a hotel next to them until my family arrived. I layed down and was out for the count. Next thing I know, there was a knock at the door. My mother, father, aunt and uncle were there. My brother arrived an hour after them. After crying, hugs and kisses, I began then tell them the entire tale of the story. A few hours later, everyone needed to sleep so they booked in rooms around me. The hotel was pretty much empty. While everyone was sleeping, I walked next door to the police station. The officer that I liked was there by himself. I told him I had a story to tell him. I sat for an hour and told him the truth. I couldn’t hold lies in me anymore. I didn’t tell him about my sister or what my father had been doing. I told him I was suffering from depression and couldn’t tell him why. It felt good to tell him the truth. He gave me some papers and I was to show up in court back home a week later. In the morning my family and I left for home. I couldn’t focus on my show, teaching, nothing really. All I wanted to do was sleep. Day and night. I had no care for anyone or anything around me. Depression had set in so badly. I attended court a week later by myself.  I was given an $800 fine and pretty much a slap on the wrist. I told the court I would seek help for my depression. Until today, I have not spoken to anyone. It really hurts. Reliving this entire story again has been very difficult. It has weighed me down for so long. It is so necessary for me to let it out. I don’t think any doctor, psychiatrist, therapist or councillor can help me with this. Hopefully letting it all out here will help a little. That’s all I ask.

August was around the corner and I was too late to pull off my show. The lectures of ” I told you so, what were you thinking and you don’t know what your doing” became constant. Dave arrived back and we spent a lot of time together. One night at dinner in a cute little restaurant, he let out his frustrations! He told me he was shocked I was giving up.  He spoke so highly to me letting me know how impressed he was with my marketing skills and how talented I was with my music. He said he would do anything to make this show happen. Help however he could. By the time he was done speaking to me, my heart was beating so fast and I could feel that excitment coming back! That was it! So I missed Fantasy ’93. I would have the World’s Largest Laser & Fireworks Extravaganza calling it Fantasy ’94! It was now getting close to Christmas and all the down payments I had placed for Fantasy ’93 were good only for one year. The show was scheduled for August 13, 1994.

No One Ever…Is To Blame…but me.

All our family and friends, relatives began lecturing me about the shows failure. Telling me I shouldn’t have started something like this. I did not understand what I was doing and this event was too large for me to handle. Without the proper education I was apparently unable to pull this off. No matter what I said regarding my father and how it was all his fault, it seemed no one really believed me. It was so frustrating to keep hearing these comments over and over again. Naturally, only my brother in law and sister understood the hard work and dedication that went into the show. Even today, every now and then, it is thrown in my face that I had messed up and put the family through hell with financial struggles. Whom ever says things like this to me I know for a fact, are stupid.  I hate it when people assume answers to their questions. Funnier, if I’m telling you the reason and you don’t believe me, quit lecturing me about it. I’m really not going to listen to what you have to say. I do however know that it would have been the best show in the world. The people who worked along side me knew that. Dave quit his life in Kelowna because he knew this event would be big and I was determined to complete it. I began working on the show in Calgary regardless of peoples opinions. They had no idea how to piece something of this magnitude together.  I felt the need to change a few songs by writing some new ones that inspired me to get through this drama and ordeal. The classical music coming out of me truly surprised me. The orchestra I had created on my keyboard was amazing. Twenty four tracks with twenty four instruments. I sat back, pushed play and let all the tracks run together. The beautiful music brought tears to my eyes. I was very impressed by my work. Where were these tunes coming from in my head. I began working through a lot of backlash from certain sponsors that knew about our sponsorship proposals. When they came up with excuses I knew the real truth. It was likely going to happen. It was too bad because they once loved and appreciated me and what I was doing. Blame got so severe that it seemed like everything I was doing was being questioned. Moving back home, everyone seeing the hustle and hard work to start all over again. I kept getting silly questions and had to explain my every move. This slowed me down tremendously. I needed to stay focused but it was becoming impossible. The only good thing was my father was leaving me alone. I did not know where he was relieving his sick fantasy’s and I didn’t really care. I was stuck living with him once again. Always in my face. He was always to blame. Blame for everything. I knew I had every right to hate his guts. I sometimes wondered if I did away with him, jail would probably be nicer. My mind continued to race with terrible thoughts. They would always pop into my head. Sometimes making me laugh at how clever they were. 

A few weeks past and work was slow. I decided to start going to a gym to help me shed some weight. It seemed as though my weight was my protection. He didn’t like chubby girls. The sexual episodes were far and in between. Maybe the next time he touched me, I would cut his manhood or rip it off with all my might and power. Problem solved. Maybe I could squeeze his testicles so hard they would end up in his throat. What a satisfying vision. Then he would leave all us sisters alone.

We lived in my sister’s house and I lived in their nanny suite. It was like my own little place. My studio set up to one side, my own bathroom and little kitchen. I slept on a couch that opened to a bed. During the day it was my studio and office. By night, it was my bedroom. A few more steps down the stairs was the basement and another bedroom. That is where Dave stayed. It was a four level split home with an inground pool.  It fit us all, a little squishy but we all had a comfortable place to sleep. I felt spoiled having my own “quarters”. My nightly trips to the gym helped clear my head. I had to lose at least 80 lbs. I was getting close to the 200’s. Dave had left to Ottawa to visit his mom and sisters. I missed him so much. He was such a character and always new how to make me laugh. After dinner one evening, I went down to my studio to gather my gym clothes. I was going to go do a work out before going to bed. As I was gathering my things I heard someone in my bathroom. The seam of the door had a crack in it allowing you to see a little bit and if you pushed on the door, the seam would open a little bit more. I noticed my middle sister sitting on the toilet with the lid down. She had a cigarette in her hand and was burning the cigarette into her skin on her arms. Holding it there while it burned a hole then moving to another spot on her arm and doing it again and then again. When it started to bleed she wiped it up and continued. I didn’t say anything. I was shocked, hurt, freaked out and then? Overwhelming sadness hit. I knew what was going on. He had been taking out all his fantasy’s on her. That’s why we were being left alone for the time being. She was not telling any of us. After seeing that kind of self torture, I went crazy. I started to pack more things. It felt like my mind had snapped in half. All of a sudden, nothing was important anymore. I took my bag and left through the back door of my room. I started driving towards the gym and for some reason I just kept driving. Next thing I know, I’m on the highway leaving the city and I didn’t care. I never wanted to come back.

What Planet Did You Come From?

Please tell me how someone so stupid, so disgusting, so ugly, so crazy and so paranoid can survive in our world? Yet still pray and believe they are a child of God. I believe the devil has children too. My father was one of them. I would bet my life on it if I could prove it, but I can’t. 

The next morning when I was called over for a chat. I sat down to try to understand why my father did what he did. His reasoning, and please get ready for this, was that we could not afford it. Yes, that’s right. He said there was no way he was going to pay for it. He said he knew about the show and thought it was just going to be a little concert and that the newspaper article scared him. He was scared into thinking it would all fall onto his pocket book. He went on to add that he did not want me with all these men and only God knows what I was doing with them. I should have been a smart arse and said yes, I was sleeping with all of them! Everyday! 

I wanted to punch him in the face so bad but I kept my cool. When my family heard about what happened, everyone was worried for me. My brother in law was so angry. Everyone was. After explaining to my so called father that the event was being fully sponsored and explaining how it was to happen he suddenly was happy and agreed to the event taking place. He said he didn’t know. He just kept saying that. Really?? You couldn’t ask me before you went on your rampage?

I was afraid for Monday to come. I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I was going to fix this huge problem. Apparently he had scared the media so much that they retracted all their support almost immediately. They didn’t even want to talk to me. We had already used our money to secure the businesses working with us to produce the show. 

The sponsors almost instantly began dropping their bids and ignored our calls. Thought out the week it was one disaster after another. I didn’t sleep much at all during the week. I called and canceled the insurance. My security left me almost instantly scrambling to find other jobs. Not Dave. He stood beside me through the whole thing amazed at the chaos and dumbfounded by all the struggles he watched me go through. I lit a white candle by myself in my room one night. I quietly spoke to God again asking him why everything I do good that makes me happy, has to be taken away from me?  What was my punishment this time? I asked him to please help me think of what to do. 

A few days went by and I was driving home from spending some alone time at the venue where our event was going to take place. Reflecting on what could have been. Suddenly, I came up with an idea. Something told me to take this concert back to my home town in Calgary and have it there. All the sponsors we had were based out of western Canada. From Kelowna and Vancouver.  What if I took the event to Calgary and found new sponsors? Calgary was a big city. Alberta was known as the richest Canadian province. I could also work with some head offices out of Toronto. I still had all my sponsorship packages ready to go! I ran the idea by my sister and brother in law. It was a done deal! I was going to attempt to make this happen! I quickly began gathering all our things and packing as fast as I could.  I wanted to leave right away. Time was ticking. It was March and I only had until August. Tour busses were even booked out of Toronto for guests wanting to come see the show through other sponsors I already had lined up. I was vigorously on the phone making call after call. I had to start redirecting everything to Calgary. Start all over again but this time, with plenty of experience. I only had a few months to gather two and a half million dollars, organise the venue, find new staff, new musicians, new body guards and new sponsors. I was not able to make payroll to my security guard’s I once had. They were demanding their paychecks and I didn’t have it. My father ruined me. After speaking to my brother, it was decided that my father would have to sell his boat. Paybacks a b*#&% Hey? His boat was sold and the damage in the city he caused was paid for including our move back to Calgary. I was truly going to miss this city. I loved it here. The peace and tranquility was so nice not like a busy rumbling city. The show going on was more important to me right now. I didn’t want to let anyone down as I had always been let down all my life.  The move was on. By the end of March I was back home but this time, living with my sister’s family because we had no home left. I also had Dave in tow. He left his girlfriend and believed in me so much he decided to come stay with us and help me pull this off. Who was I to argue? *giggle*

What The F#*%?

Coming home after a wonderful weekend was so satisfying. I felt rejuvenated and ready to work. While my album cover was processing and focused on the show. I had a bunch of meetings set with the airport, fire marshals, RCMP, city council and the native Indians that owned the land where we wanted to set up our stage. It was a huge field over looking a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains. We had to get approvals for so many things first. If fireworks were being shot off, could they spark a flame causing a fire? With laser shooting up into the sky as far as the eye could see, would it interfere with air traffic controls? Was there a possibility of a riot having such a large crowd of people in one area? Would the hotels across the lake be affected from the noise? An amazing amount of work would have to go into having all this approved before we had a green light to go ahead. Excitement was mounting. Residents were patiently waiting with excitement that it was happening in their city. It’s not everyday that you get to witness a worlds largest event and not have to pay anything to see it. Within a week and wearing out my security guard’s feet from the amount of walking we had to do, I had all the licenses approved. Only niggle was only being allowed to shoot fireworks over the lake. We intended to only do that anyways! All was coming together so nicely. The week following the coming weekend was to be the week of collecting the sponsorship money promised from our clients. We were approaching March. On the Friday before the weekend my father arrived. He was staying with us for a week before returned home once again. My family had known about the show. They were even involved. That same Friday, I received a phone call from my old place of work at the studio. They told me that the local newspaper, radio and television stations wanted to come interview me about the show! I was so excited. I agreed to see them later that day. During the interview, my eyes started to get sore from all the flashes of pictures. The security jumped in every now and then for giggles. It was always explained why they were with me, when asked. It didn’t have to be secretive. The media was ecstatic over the show coming to town on August 13, 1993. After the long interview I met with some local musicians and interviewed them on their skills to join me on stage for times I would just do vocals. The band would play along with me. The interviews of that evening turned up a drummer and a bassist. I needed another keyboardist and a guitarist. I also needed a few backup singers. I had time. I was not worried. I finally got home, said hello to my father, goodnight to my sister and went to bed. I was exhausted. 

I was so tired I didn’t wake up until one in the afternoon. I had really slept in. My sister, a hairdresser, had gone to work for the day. I walked into the family room and said goodmorning to my father who was red faced.  He looked so angry. He yelled, “come sit down, I want to talk to you right now”! My fear was the same as when I was little. I felt paralyzed. Needing my coffee, I just went and sat down curious to see what his problem was now. He took a newspaper from the coffee table and threw it at me. He was furious. His temper was so bad and so scary. He would scare even the toughest guys I knew. He was also very violent when he got angry. On the cover of the newspaper was my picture wearing a pair of shades and pulling them down slightly seeing my eyes with keyboards behind me. It was a cool picture! I remember loving my hair. My curls were perfect! It was a great picture. The headline said “Laser Lady About To Wow Our City, Brace Yourself”!! 

It took the entire page with my picture and the write up underneath informing residents of the laser extravaganza that was coming soon. It went on to tell them a bit of musical experience about me and my talents and achievements. I was impressed! 

Why was my father so angry. He went on to tell me that he saw the paper in the morning and called the reporter telling him that this show was NOT going to happen. He would not allow his daughter to do something like this. He will cause a war and a huge scene if it happened. He then went on to tell me that he drove to the newspaper and met him personally, losing his temper at him and demanded he take the published paper and tell people he was not allowing me to do this. He threatened him to contact anyone else that may be advertising this show and put a stop to it. 

I listened to this asshole talk. My heart sank with every word. While he spoke, I looked at his nose, his ugly face, the red color it was and wondered wtf? The scared, nervous, anxious silent feeling was overwhelming. When he was done yelling, I stood up and went to a room, closed the door, locked it and layed down. I was speechless, paralyzed, scared as to what was going to happen now.  What damage had he done? Why did he do that without talking to me first? He knew all about the show so why would he do that? I had so many questions and wanted to beat the crap out of him while I asked them. I needed to calm down first. I needed to take it all in and try to make sense of it. My heart was beating out of my chest in anger. So angry, I was not sure if I could control it or not. My brain went blank and I was scared of myself. My heart area pinched and I couldn’t stop sweating. My left side was tingling.

I watched the sun go down from my window. My father knocked on the door in the evening telling me my sister was home and it was time for dinner in a loving voice. Really? You S.O.B.


Is This Called Love?

I had to leave my job at the music studio.  It was not possible to juggle the show and teach at the same time. I had been teaching for 5 years straight. I needed to take a break. My students were so distraught. They didn’t want me to leave. I felt so bad. Some of them had grown so close to me. I was not just a teacher but you could also say I was a therapist as well. My students would come to me with so many problems. Either bullying or parental issues. It didn’t matter. They opened up about whatever was bothering them and I helped as much as I could. I knew I always had great advise to give. Some students begged to follow me and to continue teaching them at home. I accepted and taught them whenever I could. I had three blind students and no one else could teach them the way I could. I developed a way to teach any kind of student. From the age of 5 to 95. I could teach them how to play the piano professionally within three months. I taught them blindfolded so they were forced to train their ear. Inspired by my Russian teacher when I was younger. I loved her. She moved to Montreal for her famous husband who had to go. We still keep in touch today. 

I began getting close to one of my security who was always so overwhelmingly concerned about me. He had a girlfriend but she was not very good to him. When we worked together, he would talk to me and tell me many stories. My heart started to grow for him. His name was Dave. He was built tough, blonde spiky hair and a square defined jaw. He was so good looking and had a French accent. When ever I was out with him, he made heads turn. He was such a gentleman to an extreme and spoiled me when we were out. He started asking for more shifts with me and we truly had a good time. I would think of things to do that were unnecessary but as long as I could spend time with him. I was happy. I found myself creating music and writing lyrics of our relationship.  He became the inspiration to some of my songs. After completing my first album, I asked him if he would like to be on the cover of it. He was so excited and agreed. Together alone, we decided to take a trip to Victoria. Vancouver Island. We were to meet up with a photographer there that would work with us to get some good shots for the cover album. Our trip was 3 days long. It was actually nice to not have security hounding me all day and night. Technically, I was with security so all was fine. We spent the first day all over Victoria taking all kinds of pictures. It is a beautiful city surrounded by ocean. Our last stop of the day was at an abandoned railway site. It had numerous tracks everywhere and then this lone track next to a shed looking type building. The shed had nothing on it except a sign that said “No Smoking”. It looked so perfect. We had him leaned up on it with one leg crossed over the other, looking into the sun with a cigarette in his hand. It was cliche. The contradicted sign with the cigarette and his sexy looks. The shot was perfect. We loved it. That was the one I wanted to use. The album was called “On Heavens Edge”. With special effects, it looked like Dave was standing at the gates of heaven with pathways and railways all around him into a distance that goes as far as the eye can see having his last cigarette before entering. It was a classic shot. 

Dave and I stayed at a beautiful hotel called the Empress. Covered by moss and overlooking a large marina and the ocean. Our room was just as beautiful. One king sized bed. We didn’t even really care. We just wanted to change and get ready to go out on the town. We were starving so we went to a restaurant on the dock. A long dock that seemed to go forever. We got to catch our own lobster and crab. They would cook it however we wanted them to. After a beautiful dinner, we went to a nightclub. He never let go of my hand. My heart skipped beats for him. I was falling head over heals. We went to a great bar that played all our favorite songs. We danced and drank the night away. He loved tequila so I had the waitress bring shots every 20 minutes. The last song of the night was “Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel . We slow danced together and I waited for a kiss. I knew it was coming. We took a cab and went back to our hotel. While he was in the bathroom I remember trying to get my hair and makeup touched up rather quickly! I had to have that “Wow you look good even when you should look like a mess” look. When he came out we started play fighting. He liked to tease me with how strong his muscles were. He was extremely muscular. We play fought right to the bed. I ended up getting on top of him and holding him down. That didn’t last long. His strength was amazing. He had me flipped in no time. His kiss was beautiful. I was covered in goose bumps. I had just shaved my legs that day and the goosebumps made them stubble again! It was intense. 

My father’s face kept playing in my head. I pulled back from Dave and I tried to hide how scared I had just become. I was so happy! Why was this happening so suddenly? He was such a gentleman. He could see my face and know for whatever reason HE thought, that I was not ready for sexual intimacy. I layed in his arms and fell right asleep having some of the worst dreams ever. Yet every time I woke up and was in his arms, I fell right back asleep. It sure was a nice feeling. His embrace was large and warming and overpowering and I felt so safe. I don’t know if I will ever forget that feeling. I hope not.