All our family and friends, relatives began lecturing me about the shows failure. Telling me I shouldn’t have started something like this. I did not understand what I was doing and this event was too large for me to handle. Without the proper education I was apparently unable to pull this off. No matter what I said regarding my father and how it was all his fault, it seemed no one really believed me. It was so frustrating to keep hearing these comments over and over again. Naturally, only my brother in law and sister understood the hard work and dedication that went into the show. Even today, every now and then, it is thrown in my face that I had messed up and put the family through hell with financial struggles. Whom ever says things like this to me I know for a fact, are stupid. I hate it when people assume answers to their questions. Funnier, if I’m telling you the reason and you don’t believe me, quit lecturing me about it. I’m really not going to listen to what you have to say. I do however know that it would have been the best show in the world. The people who worked along side me knew that. Dave quit his life in Kelowna because he knew this event would be big and I was determined to complete it. I began working on the show in Calgary regardless of peoples opinions. They had no idea how to piece something of this magnitude together. I felt the need to change a few songs by writing some new ones that inspired me to get through this drama and ordeal. The classical music coming out of me truly surprised me. The orchestra I had created on my keyboard was amazing. Twenty four tracks with twenty four instruments. I sat back, pushed play and let all the tracks run together. The beautiful music brought tears to my eyes. I was very impressed by my work. Where were these tunes coming from in my head. I began working through a lot of backlash from certain sponsors that knew about our sponsorship proposals. When they came up with excuses I knew the real truth. It was likely going to happen. It was too bad because they once loved and appreciated me and what I was doing. Blame got so severe that it seemed like everything I was doing was being questioned. Moving back home, everyone seeing the hustle and hard work to start all over again. I kept getting silly questions and had to explain my every move. This slowed me down tremendously. I needed to stay focused but it was becoming impossible. The only good thing was my father was leaving me alone. I did not know where he was relieving his sick fantasy’s and I didn’t really care. I was stuck living with him once again. Always in my face. He was always to blame. Blame for everything. I knew I had every right to hate his guts. I sometimes wondered if I did away with him, jail would probably be nicer. My mind continued to race with terrible thoughts. They would always pop into my head. Sometimes making me laugh at how clever they were.
A few weeks past and work was slow. I decided to start going to a gym to help me shed some weight. It seemed as though my weight was my protection. He didn’t like chubby girls. The sexual episodes were far and in between. Maybe the next time he touched me, I would cut his manhood or rip it off with all my might and power. Problem solved. Maybe I could squeeze his testicles so hard they would end up in his throat. What a satisfying vision. Then he would leave all us sisters alone.
We lived in my sister’s house and I lived in their nanny suite. It was like my own little place. My studio set up to one side, my own bathroom and little kitchen. I slept on a couch that opened to a bed. During the day it was my studio and office. By night, it was my bedroom. A few more steps down the stairs was the basement and another bedroom. That is where Dave stayed. It was a four level split home with an inground pool. It fit us all, a little squishy but we all had a comfortable place to sleep. I felt spoiled having my own “quarters”. My nightly trips to the gym helped clear my head. I had to lose at least 80 lbs. I was getting close to the 200’s. Dave had left to Ottawa to visit his mom and sisters. I missed him so much. He was such a character and always new how to make me laugh. After dinner one evening, I went down to my studio to gather my gym clothes. I was going to go do a work out before going to bed. As I was gathering my things I heard someone in my bathroom. The seam of the door had a crack in it allowing you to see a little bit and if you pushed on the door, the seam would open a little bit more. I noticed my middle sister sitting on the toilet with the lid down. She had a cigarette in her hand and was burning the cigarette into her skin on her arms. Holding it there while it burned a hole then moving to another spot on her arm and doing it again and then again. When it started to bleed she wiped it up and continued. I didn’t say anything. I was shocked, hurt, freaked out and then? Overwhelming sadness hit. I knew what was going on. He had been taking out all his fantasy’s on her. That’s why we were being left alone for the time being. She was not telling any of us. After seeing that kind of self torture, I went crazy. I started to pack more things. It felt like my mind had snapped in half. All of a sudden, nothing was important anymore. I took my bag and left through the back door of my room. I started driving towards the gym and for some reason I just kept driving. Next thing I know, I’m on the highway leaving the city and I didn’t care. I never wanted to come back.