Full Bypass surgery is complete. Healing was underway. The whole new me was beginning again. A new boost in this huge life-changing moment within my life. Weight loss finally started up again. Halted and crept up before the bypass, but now it was on the downward slope once again. Six months post-op and doing well. Covid, however, was still in the air. The booster shots were now in play. The war of “should we” or “shouldn’t we” was in full gear. Those who believed the vaccine was a necessity to survive if you contracted covid, and those who felt it was a scam. Nothing really mattered to me. I prayed we would not be affected by any of this, and our prayers held strong.
My weight loss was becoming consistent again, thankfully. I had been getting praise from my close relatives. My uncle and aunties, whom we are still close with. So many family members are excited for me. Now, with covid around, there was not much to do, but try to stay healthy within the home, and being around family was great! We were all in each other’s faces all the time and didn’t mind it at all. I felt sad for those who didn’t have anyone. It would prove to be extremely boring for them but not at our house. It was always a fun time, for sure.
Mental health was the biggest problem now. As I regained my strength, both mind and body, I had to be strong for those who mentally couldn’t handle all the new rules because of covid. In my household, I had two sisters, 1 of whom was on severe disability, my elderly mother in her 90s, and my husband, who had a mental breakdown at work, causing mental instability. My son, who had PTSD and OCD including Austism, was managing ok. My other daughter, unfortunately suffered from many disabilities such as Autism (the mindset of an 8 year old) PSTD, BPD, anxiety and depression including trama and triggers, mythomania, HS, and CPS (hypochondriac). I have always lived my life around hers since birth. She takes every piece of my soul and wellbeing to assure her safety and happiness, but this job is a non stop 24 hour job. No other family member can handle her. It is truly difficult, and because of the emense amount of love we have for her, we never give up.
The last 15 years with our daughter has become so difficult for all of us, but I am truly grateful for our circle of resources that have surrounded me and my family the entire time.
Our daughter had become “relationship needy” in the love department. I don’t blame her at all. I remember being her age. We all want to find that special someone. Unfortunately, her way of doing this was to completely disregard all warnings of natural ways to meet new people and the internet. 6 internet was her go-to place. Her so-called best friends and mentors. People, strangers she had placed 100% of her trust into. Some of these people were truly scary looking folks. I’d walk by her phone and see them on the other line, and they would scare me. I would subtly listen in and wonder how she could give them so much information about herself. Our daughter had gone to schools for sexual exploited girls. She was a very naive, beautiful girl who trusted and believed in anything that anyone would say. It’s pretty scary for a mom. Mary was in the phase of “if they tell me no, I will do it and worse.” As parents, we always had to tread lightly. We never knew what personality would show and when. Sometimes, we would get this perfect angel of a daughter who spoke so nicely and softly. Understanding all you had to say. Other times, you get the devil reincarnated. Literally. I had no idea who she was. Her pupils would be so large you couldn’t see the color of her eyes.
She met a guy online and told me he used to go to school with her. Meanwhile, she was already in a relationship with a guy from the Philippines over the phone. They were on FaceTime, literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Wherever she went, he went. Including the bathroom. She constantly spoke of how we could get him here, and with my last immigration knowledge and experiences, I knew deep down it was not possible. He was 19. No schooling, no funds, parents lived in another province of the Philippines and left him with his grandparents to raise him. He was not too nice of a boy growing up, so they literally dumped him on his grandparents. He worked around his farm but had no intention of furthering himself. My daughter thought I could pull miracles and get him here immediately. The kid didn’t even have any form of identification. I had to send him some cash here and there for our daughter’s sake because of sore teeth he had that needed working on. With some of my Filipino connections, I was assured that is what he was spending it on for real. Even though our daughter was in a close relationship with him online, she was still constantly scouring the internet for other men, friends, and whatever you wanted to call them. It’s pretty scary stuff. Any time I had ever set aside for appointments or healing was instantly taken over by some drama cause by this internet stuff I couldn’t take it away from her as it would cause severe explosions requiring police and hospitals. Sometimes, I just wasn’t in the mood for all that drama. Exhausting is not even a good enough word.
With her daddy not doing well mentally from his work breakdown and my sister suffering from all kinds of breakdowns, including fybromyalgia and PTSD, my son who has OCD and sensory issues and my 90+ year old senior mother….it was pretty much always on me. I was very 6 to shelter my family from her instable moods and being the punching bag to protect those all around her. It’s pretty harsh. I always make sure I take the insults and blame for everything because no one else in this family can handle it. At this time, my dealing with me, my health, my soul, was going to definitely be out on hold. There was something bad coming in the air. I didn’t understand what it possibly could be as I’d been through so much, but it was a storm cloud that only I could see. I was grateful for completing my surgery and coming out of it alive and heeling, but again, whenever something goes well for me, it is replaced almost instantly with devastation. I wonder what this storm cloud is bringing my way…its giving me weird nightmares and chills. Unlike any feeling I’ve experienced yet. I began calling on all the spirits I could possibly think of and bracing myself as though the titanic was hitting the iceberg soon. The only difference is I was not on any fucking boat, and there were no icebergs in my view, but the feeling was very similar. Erie and very similar.
theangelsforgotme 