After having the Bariatric sleeve, the weight loss was great! I was losing weight and was full all the time. Just a few simple bites caused paid enough to stop no matter how well I chewed my food. Reaching the one-hundred-pound weight loss I had noticed my struggles with heart burn. It was real! Heartburn like I never felt before. While carrying my two children, I lived with heartburn until they were delivered. Apparently, they say the more hair your baby had in the womb, the more heartburn you will have while carrying them. Nothing beat this type of heartburn from the sleeve surgery. Like wildfire growing from my chest into my esophagus and through my mouth. I felt like the dragon lady. Pain began to get unbearable to the point that I would have to carry a milk substance anywhere I went and lactose caused severe IBS for me. This wasn’t a win situation at all. Weight loss or not, I couldn’t handle that pain anymore. I reached out to my surgeon. Still, within the bariatric program, I could maintain a connection to the team without having to start from the beginning. They got me in to see him pretty fast and with all the new Covid rules, masking was still essential. I found it so hard to understand what people were saying to me with masks on. When I spoke, for some reason I felt I had to speak louder and more intricate as though I was not being properly heard. I was weighed at the appointment and had for some reason gained some weight. Almost thirty pounds to be exact. Totally could not understand that. I was not able to eat much of anything! Dr. Church explained to me that sometimes, the sleeve pouch you have can begin to stretch if you’re not careful. I know some patients had gained their full weight back and some more on top of that.
Why would you go through the entire ordeal of having surgery just to stretch everything out again? I couldn’t eat less because I was hardly eating, to begin with. Proper nutrition was not happening for me. My bloodwork seemed to slowly be going south for the winter.
Dr. Church said he wanted to do the complete bypass on my and not just the sleeve. He went on to explain that some patients upon having the sleeve surgery, develop severe heartburn. Some don’t but I was one of the ones that needed to. He went on to say that heartburn is more harmful to us than anything else and it would have to be dealt with right away. This time, I wouldn’t have to wait on long lists for surgery. They would get back to me right away with a date. I asked him if I had to go through the whole liquid diet hell as I did for the initial sleeve surgery. He said yes, with a grin. The most torturous diet in the world. Only clear liquids for six weeks and Jello once a day. Not to mention those horrible nutritional smoothies you had to drink at least six of them a day. With my sleeved tummy, they only made me throw up now. The thickness of them didn’t agree with me now at all and I was unable to chug anymore. Only sipping. That would mean this torturous drink would take a lot longer to down than it did once before my first sleeve surgery on my liquid diet.
I was a chef. Cooking as well for a large family every day. This liquid diet was going to be so hard but I again had no choice. I could choose death by heartburn or suffer this liquid diet for six weeks. This weight gain also was a factor. I didn’t like it. With the complete bypass, that would not be possible anymore.
These drinks were flavored for diabetic patients for nutrition. You could taste the chalky gritty substance that also tasted like a medicinal protein powder. Six times a day for six weeks. I was gonna die for sure. Glucerna. That was the name of those shakes. Meal replacement shakes.
Dr. Church said he would not be able to do the surgery unless at least one year passed from the initial sleeve surgery. The date was now set and booked for October 2020. The entire procedure would be the same as the first one. The appointments with the clinicians, dieticians, and so on. Then the dreaded 6-week liquid diet.
Like a total idiot, I had also managed to book a little getaway for the family to Pinelake Alberta. They had a resort with motorhome rentals on the beach so you could stay on the beach right in front of the lake and enjoy some peace. We had not been there for many many years.
When I was young. That lake was the family’s hangout and picnic site where you could go fishing or enjoy the beach and a cool diner with the best fries and gravy ever! The lake was full of weeds and my phobia would not allow me to jump into the water like I wanted to. I always had to wade in and hopefully walk around the bushels of weeds hoping they wouldn’t touch me. I would go to the furthest end of the dock and check out the depth of the water hoping that I would not be able to see the eerie weeds but if I couldn’t see them, the worst heart attack ever for me would be to jump in and feel them. I knew the bottom was not that deep. I loved the water. I loved to swim. I wish that stupid phobia and fear were not so huge with me. It was just long grass! Jesus. Anyways…heart racing, I couldn’t bring myself to ever do it. The only time I would enjoy myself is to get into a boat and assure myself using the fish finder as a cheating tool so make sure it was deep enough to jump in the deep end and swim and not worry about weeds being anywhere near me. That calming swim was the best! I could swim for hours and never get tired as long as it was extremely deep. A fish finder tells you where the lake bottom is, how many feet down, and what is in between your boat and the lake bottom. I knew weeds could not possibly be anywhere near me at thirty-five feet from the lake floor.
It was many years later and the site had totally changed. There was no more public picnic site. A tornado had hit the park many years back when it was a campsite and flattened the park. It was very sad. All over the news, it was talked about what people had lost, who lost their lives in that disaster. In this part of Canada, we are not used to any kind of severe tornados or hurricanes. We hear about them elsewhere and all over the world but never in Canada, let alone Alberta.
The disaster shocked so many people. It was horrible. We had never been back since and now we were booked to spend four days at a resort campsite where the public picnic place once was.
The couple that owned it now, did a terrific job of making it a nice resort to have a holiday. Not just a picnic for a day but to spend days or even weeks if you wanted. We had booked two rental campers for our little vacation. Both were directly on the beach. I had cooked for a week before leaving prepping the coolers and food for everyone. Marinating steaks and making burgers, salads, Kabobs, breakfast sandwiches, and so on. Four coolers loaded with food. Two coolers loaded with drinks. I wanted everyone to have a great time even though I would not be able to put a delicious morsel of food in my mouth.
We had finally arrived at our relaxation place. Everyone hopped out of the cars and started moving our luggage and coolers into each of our trailers. We set up our huge gazebo in front of the main trailer and surrounded the deck with our coolers. Food and drinks. We all worked fast to set everything up so we could spend most of our time enjoying the lake. Those who loved to fish grabbed their rods and tackle boxes heading to the dock while the rest of us spend more time organizing our inside space and of course, prepping the meal which was going to be lunch for the hungry members of our family. This was going to be so hard for me. I was in charge of food. Great hey? Smell and worked with it but couldn’t touch a bite of it. I was on week two of this six-week liquid diet. Black coffee? Wow, my worst. No cream allowed. The cream was not considered clear. That’s ok. I was armed with my dreaded glucerna bottles and jars of chicken broth. Not to mention my Jello and water bottles. Yes, I know you are jealous!
I had made them fresh Tuna salad, we had fresh gooey buns, and hummus I made at home. Nice and garlicky. Pickles and an array of deli meats and cheeses, olives, and crackers. When the picnic table under the gazebo outside was all set and ready, it was time to prepare dinner. I had steaks marinating with a beautiful Mediterranean potato salad. Long grain vegetable rice and steamed carrots and broccoli. I was starving!! I had to shut up and simply drink my chalky glucerna meal replacement while washing it down with water.
While the family ate, I would sit and watch them chew every morsel of that delicious food. I knew the taste and flavor exploding in their mouths. I just wanted a taste! I know that one taste would just make it worse so I had to make do with just the smells. Funny, when you have an abundance of food around you, it’s never taken for granted and these feelings are so different from when you are not allowed to have it. Not just for diet but more seriously for surgical purposes. You can’t just cheat. That would mean the cancelation of the entire surgery. If I had cheated and lied, saying I didn’t. They could begin the surgery and I would have made it more complicated for the surgeon to do his work. Your sleeve must shrink to the point that the organs around it need to shrink more in hopes the doctor can reach the area for surgery and do his job. The whole point of the liquid diet is to shrink the liver and other organs so they remain out of the way! If a patient cheats, it would make surgery while under the knife, more difficult which results in more complications. Those fears no matter how hungry I was, took over and helped me not taste that one bite of food. Just drink more water and get full on it. The only option in my mind. Keeping busy was the best thing to do. I was so happy watching everyone around me so happy! Finishing, laughing and playing. It was so nice. We had been there only two hours of our four-day vacation and it sure was turning out great! My daughter caught a fish! Wow, she was so happy! What a nice change seeing her out and about getting fresh air and fishing. My son was even more ecstatic. Trying a different lure every three minutes. He spent more time changing the lure on his rod than actually fishing. I loved it. My mother sat under the gazebo with cushions and a drink. We put her feet up and she naturally had a nice snooze. Everyone else was on the dock fishing after their lunch. My son and my sister and I decided to go check out the little store they had on site. We had to walk up this rocky/sandy hill to get to the door and in flip-flops, it was even harder. The store was cute! Ice cream galore, groceries, fishing tackle, lures, and live bait. Candy and chocolate bars. We almost bought out the entire store. Like we didn’t have enough that we came with already. Each lure was over $10 but I could not say no to my son. I wanted him to have fun. I learned at the front counter while paying, that you could rent their boat. For a day, half a day, or longer. It was a large and beautiful pontoon boat. Could fit up to ten passengers. I was so excited to get them all onto the boat and spend the day touring the lake and fishing. I booked it for the next day, a full day.
A kind lady packed out bags of candy and junk, we thanked her and told her we would be back soon! We were the only ones at the resort. No one aimed to holiday in October but thankfully the weather was still nice and beautiful for us.
We left the little store and began to walk down the rocky, sandy hill back to our beachfront trailer. I looked to the left and saw my husband and daughter on the dock getting ready to throw in their fishing line. The giggles and laughs were music to my ears. I looked back towards the motorhome and suddenly, my right foot slid down the rocks while my left leg bent in hopes to control my balance but it was too late. The slide was fast into the splits which in turn dragged my left leg backward, knee down through the gravel, and all my weight crashing on my left leg and toe. It happened so fast. I couldn’t get up. There was blood everywhere but I didn’t know where it was coming from. My son and sister tried to help me up but I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk. My husband and daughter on the dock could see from a distance the cuffuffle but thought I simply had a small fall and they were laughing. They had no idea that I had completely twisted and gouged my knee, calf, and leg. It was so painful and horrible. I was tough. Couldn’t cry. No one from the staff saw it happen and my only goal was to get up from embarrassment before anyone did and quickly make it back to the motorhome. My son motioned to Marcus to come and hurry. It was bigger than just a simple fall. My son said later that it looked like ballet splits as I elegantly descended the rocky, sandy hill. Not in slow motion though. It happens so fast and the weight of my body falling on my back leg made it impossible to move. After my son finally got me up? I severely limped toward the camper and they all had to help me get into it. Blood coming from everywhere. The pain was excruciating. Getting worse by the minute. My husband and daughter finally made it off the dock and came to see what was going on while my sister Christine took left to immediately grab our first aid kit. A kit better than what the EMS ambulatory crew carries. She was obsessed with first aid kits and always had everything possibly needed if there ever was to be an accident. This was most definitely one of those times that a kit and supplies were urgently needed. The nearest hospital was over an hour away. The family had to assess if a hospital was necessary. Would I have needed stitches or was something broken?
The pain now began to really set in. They tried to clean the wounds around them. My left leg had taken the brunt of the fall with the gouges and scrapes. I for sure sprained my big toe. Couldn’t move it at all. Blood would not stop oozing from my knee. Marcus had to put so much pressure on it. Then we discovered that my knee had taken in many rocks and smaller stones that were embedded in my knee during the slide. The more pressure he used to stop the blood the more it hurt. It was like he was pushing the rocks in further in. No one knew what to do. I didn’t blame him for that. Poor guy was trying to help and felt so bad that he wasn’t there to help me. I guess from the dock view it didn’t look that bad. It looked like a dance or that I was playing around. He had no idea how serious it was. I didn’t need a hospital. Just a lot of bandages and cleaning, and disinfecting the wounds. We had all the equipment for it.
The only good thing to come out of this was I was no longer focusing on food and starvation anymore. It was the pain and the ruin of this little vacation for me. I didn’t expect anything different though. Driving up to pine lake, I wondered what was going to happen to fo wrong. Story of my life remember? Something horrible always has to follow my happiness. This one surely was. The rest of this little trip was going to be that much harder. It’s funny. The only thing I was looking forward to was laying on that surgical table and having the anesthesiologist put me out. To go to sleep with no fear or worry about anything for just a moment. To just rest where everyone would just leave me alone. A stupid thing to be looking forward to but for me, it was like a lottery win.
We used feminine pads to cover and safely wrap the wounds and I had them disinfected regularly while we were there. Changing the bandages was always the most painful but it had to be done. With every change, we would see more and more rocks and stones coming out of the wounds. They were very deep and embedded. I knew if I complained more, it would ruin everyone else’s holiday so I decided to just take it and hold in the electric lightning bolts of pain and pretend it was better. I was still able to prepare the food for everyone and get things ready. They helped get things to and from the table. Everyone pitched in for the cleanup after all meals. Finally, the boat day came. Everyone had so much fun touring the lake! It was so beautiful. I loved the feeling of being on the water. I felt most at peace and relaxed. As I mentioned many times in my past posts, I was sure my past life was a Chinese fish of some kind. Around water was the only time I felt in my element. Peace. Any high blood pressure from anything would halt and give me a normal reading. It was soothing and cleansing for me. To see it or be near it. It didn’t matter. To be in it mostly.
Looking at my family’s faces I could tell they were having the time of their lives. I loved it so much. No internet, no kids gaming or hiding out on a computer. Just the land and water surrounded by a loving family.
My daughter spent most of her time on the boat. Oddly enough she kept telling us she was talking to my brother that passed away. He was always an avid fisherman. He competed in tournaments and had the special expensive bass boats to boot. Fishing was his life. While on this boat and all of us with our lines in hoping for a catch! Mary would keep saying her uncle Bobby was speaking to her and we needed to troll the boat this way or that way or towards that house on a hill… etc. we would play it off and agree to try but it was always hard with so many lines in the water. She was becoming very agitated wanting her daddy to listen to her. “Uncle Bobby is saying to face the boat in this direction and put the line down over there”! All we wanted to do was peacefully fish but she was making that so hard for all of us. We finally just listened because it was becoming extremely stressful.
Sure enough, as soon as Marcus dropped the line where she had said, a fish hit the lure. He felt it. He waited patiently and bam! He had a fish on the line. We all looked at each other and shook our heads. We were all in disbelief. For the rest of that day, we all listened to every word she said. Turn this way go that way, over here and over there and sure enough, we kept catching fish! My deceased brother once loved fishing on this lake. He knew the places where fish would gather. We know he was speaking through her that day. We had felt bad acting as though she was off her rockers the whole time or just wanting attention as usual. Even after we docked back on shore. She was still telling her dad and brother where to throw the line off the dock and in which direction and how far to cast. As for my daughter, she never was into any sort of sport including fishing. Mary hated it. Wanting to throw fish back in after being caught. She knew absolutely nothing about fishing but on this trip, she was considered the expert. My son and husband spend the evening cleaning out the fish, scaling them, and fileting them. Liam was so excited for us to try his fish! The ones he caught! Oh, great right? My starvation liquid diet self wouldn’t be able to. I took a small enough piece that didn’t even need chewing it was so small just to thrill him and taste it. For someone starving, it was a tease! Dinner that night was the fish but we has everything ready for the boys to bbq burgers. All the burger fixings are laid out and ready. What a smell! Oh wow while they barbecued, the smell was so mind-dazzling. I was dizzy from hunger, loss of blood, and stomach aches. My period decided to show up while on the boat like I needed more misery. “Hello Missi, aunt Flo the red-haired bitch is here to stay for 5 days, hope you can handle it”! Again, not my place to ruin everyone else’s holiday. I just kept to myself.
As the evening was upon us and dinner was being prepped we also had a surprise visit from my uncle Gary, his wife silvana, and my Auntie Lucy. We didn’t want company we would have to serve and slave around. I was not prepared for it at all. We loved them and they were the only extended family we kept in our lives. It was nice to see them and thankfully upon getting a call of their arrival soon we also asked for some Vaseline and topical antiseptic, polysporin, for my wounds. I was almost out!
It was hard to serve and do much of anything. Every bone in my body was sore or aching and now period cramps made life that much better to go along with my starvation pains.
That was it. I couldn’t handle the hunger anymore. I made the biggest most beautiful burger ever. It was stacked like a commercial advertisement. Even better than the “as seen on tv” ads. It was so beautiful! It was mine!!!
I took the entire, three-pound burger and limped towards the dock with my sore leg. I took the biggest bite my mouth could handle and more. I chewed it and chewed it and devoured the flavor of it, it was so damn good! I kept chewing it without swallowing. Just chewing and chewing and then, when my jaw got tired, I spit it into the lake from the dock. I didn’t swallow! Just enjoyed the flavor and chewing something for a change. I repeated this while I limped down the entire dock. Taking a huge bite, chewing it like crazy, and then spitting it into the lake. Weirdly enough it helped! It gave me the sense of eating without actually swallowing the food and hindering my surgery date. I needed to taste something savory. It was all mostly sweet, all the time! Glucerna, coffee, Jello! Jesus. Just water and bullion were the other allowed drinks. I had eaten the whole burger without eating it. Hey! This may be a good way to diet too right? I may have created something here. It wasn’t so bad now. It was gross but not so bad! The rest of the holiday went smoothly. I snuck morsels of food here and there spitting them out within the fire or in the bushes. It was time now to start packing up. It was time to go home. We began taking everything down, the gazebos and our luggage. Our coolers were now mostly empty. Packing the vehicles for our return trip home. It was such a nice trip. Aside from the ballet swan leap tearing my leg apart, my period, and the liquid diet..everyone else in the family had a super wonderful time.
I forgot to mention the fact that we had now seen signs everywhere saying no to eat the fish or swim in the water because there were contaminated bacteria throughout the lake. Ops. No one died so it was all good. At least now we understood why certain parts of the lake were bluish instead of green and foamy substance was in gathered circles here and there throughout the waters. Everyone was too busy fishing all the time and no one swam. It was October. Way too cold to go for a swim anyways. The drive home was nice. Not too long and long enough to reflect the highlights of our trip. I had more reflection than anyone else! About an hour away from our home, a bee decided to come into the car through an open window and hit the back seat onto the floorboard.
While my family screamed and panicked, I had to safely keep the car in the lane without crashing us all. A bee? Nope, a wasp. How fun! I tried to find the safest place to pull over. Got out of the car and we looked all over for it. Couldn’t find it anywhere. Hopefully, it had flown out but something was telling me it fell between the door and the underlay next to the seat. It was in the car still but probably knocked out. I got back onto the highway and just tried to make it home in one piece. Everyone didn’t say a word as their eyes were wandering over every inch of the car non-stop. So were mine. More than on the roads. I started thinking of it crawling up my leg. What would I do? Like I needed more pain, right? Why not! Give it all to me! The wham bam thank you, ma’am. I’m good!
We finally arrived home. Started unpacking the car and trying to organize stuff back to its original places. I was flooding as kingdom come. By nightfall, I crawled into bed carefully using one leg only, laid down, and thought about the whole trip. What the plan was for the next day. What was urgent and what could wait? Two days later, I decided to make my way downstairs toward the living and say hello to everyone. I was tired and needed rest. The bathroom next to our room and our mini fridge were my only friends for the last two days.
I was finally nearing the surgical date. I was going to be having the complete Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass. This would hopefully eliminate the heartburn issues that were becoming more intense by the day. After suffering from a six-week liquid diet, after finally having the surgery, you would have to suffer another six weeks after slowly introducing foods once again. Liquids the first week, soft solids two weeks later, semi-solids two weeks after that, and so on. It would still be a while before I would be able to enjoy a bite of anything I loved.
I had to remember that this was not about food. This was about my health. For a change, it was about me and only me. To become a healthier person and live long enough to see my children grow and move on with their lives guiding them for as long as possible before it was too late for me. That was the whole idea of having kids and parenting right?
It was surgery day! I was so excited and anxious. I already knew the steps and what to expect. The only difference was covid. Rules within the hospital had changed. Masking a must. Only one support person with you. Absolutely no gatherings. All I wanted was to sleep! I was looking so forward to being put out. Not having a care in the world and I wouldn’t even be able to try to. Surgeries were like MY mini vacations. Aside from the pain of the aftermath, I could rest in bed and not be hounded by anyone or anything. If there happened to be an emergency somewhere, too bad. Nothing I could do about it. Everyone would just have to figure it out on their own and make do somehow right? That was the part I loved most. It took surgery to get me to have a breather. To relax. This was surgery number twelve. I still had three more ahead of me at least.
As they wheeled me into the surgical room, all that went through my mind was hoping my surgeon didn’t know about my new chewing and spitting technique. Would he have been able to tell? If I woke up after surgery, and he didn’t do it, it would tell me I did a bad thing. If I saw bandages, then all was good! Here goes nothing! Bypass, here I come. Jesus, I’m so thirsty. Can’t drink for quite a while yet! Woe these hallways are chilly. I’m frozen! Hello beautiful surgical team, remember me? Was not too long ago I was here at this table. Everyone’s washing up and getting ready for my surgery! Hello Mrs. Anesthesiologist, I’m ready! I’ve got goosebumps. Put me out, put me out! I need sleep! I’m sorry but I don’t remember your name or his, oh! There is Dr. Church. He looks like he’s having a terrific day! Thank God he is smiling! Ouch! That IV hurts! You were right though. Only hurt for a quick second but guess what? Guess what everyone? I already got my period so I’m in the clear here today! Don’t have to deal with that mess right? I’m going to sleepy time soon so it doesn’t matter anyways. Jeez, I’m cold. Thanks for the warm blanket. I love you, Marcus Holman. Do you want me to count to 10? Or from 10 backward? Ok! 10, 9…forgot what comes next, 9…
theangelsforgotme 