Why did the preacher respond to me at that moment? The moment I was ready so let all my pain leave my body. Why right at that second? Devine intervention? I had no faith anymore. I did not believe anymore. This was very unusual. Whatever this was, it stopped me from doing the unthinkable. The scary part was, to me, the unthinkable filled me with happiness! I wanted to die. My mind was warped and I was ok with it. All the events that had lead me up to that moment assured me that it was time to give up. I could not win against God. He was far too powerful in this game he played with me. No matter how competitive I was and had always been, I could not compete with him. Yet, all of a sudden, this sign played greatly on my heart. It was blunt and in my face! Right there!
“Please contact me tonight sweetheart” ….” I will be thinking of you until then”.
I woke up from my medical overdose at close to midnight. I immediately picked up my phone in hopes to see a message from Marcus. What was I thinking? I began texting Ron. My text was so long. I touched on bits and part of my story telling him what was happening. I was so distraught, that I typed and typed some more. I told him mostly about Gods game. Why was he doing this to me?
I received the most beautiful response back. Ron told me he was with me. He was praying for me. For us. He wanted me to send him an email with the complete story as I had known it. I spent the rest of the night doing so. I talked a little of my past and some events leading up to this. I told him how much I loved my husband and how nothing that was going on made sense. I had so many questions for him. I asked them all.
I told him about my thought in not wanting to live anymore. Everyone’s life would be easier if I was gone. No more payments, courts, sadness. They would get over my passing shortly and move on with life. It was just better. All the torment would leave with me. The letter I wrote him was so long it may as well had been a short story book. I felt better writing to him. Talking to someone who loved both of us and didn’t judge. Someone who would not take sides. I received a longer response back from him shortly after. I must have read it thirty times. Every time I read it, my heart felt better. Even though my situation was no different but worsening, I felt ok.
My husband had left me. With our children.
I had not been much of a mother. Suffering with all the past and courts. Medicated to the max. My children were left without much sanity of a mother. Now a father. Marcus had made it clear he was to stay in his kids lives. Calling them every day. He wanted nothing to so with me. He would call and I would answer the phone. “Can I speak to my kids please”? No hello, how are you. How are you? Forget it but at least a “hello” would be nice.
I flipped! I yelled at him. “I am the mother of YOUR children. I birthed them and gave you eighteen years of my life!!! You can at least have some dignity to say hello”! I handed the phone over to my son.
He drilled the nail right through my heart. Did he have to keep hammering it further? Twist it a little? Perhaps add a few more nails? I get it! Your done! At least be civil. Enough already!
Deep inside I was so worried about him. My heart still loved him. I did not care how he treated me. I knew he was sick. The kids were a mess. We had many chats alone.
My son was so angry with him. He was a smart kid. I couldn’t put much past him. I did not want him hating his dad. Almost every day when something would come up, he would express such anger. I had to keep assuring him that his dad was sick. We would try our hardest to fix him and to just give it time. Advise I had gotten from a preacher friend. I passed all his advice to my kids. Pray hard. That was all we could do.
Our daughter already had some major issues. Suffering from ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, trauma, depression and anxiety. We were in the middle of so many doctors and support groups. We were calling ambulances and police almost every second day. We learned she was cutting, huffing and drinking alcohol. She was spiraling out of control. I had no Marcus anymore to help me those awful nights. I would call him in the middle of the night when she was going through an attack. What could he do from wherever he was? My family stepped up big time to help. Spending numerous nights awake with me and her. I was calling the emergency response support almost daily. My plate was sure full. To add to it, she began attempting suicide. Overdosing or cutting her wrists. My nights were being spent at the hospitals. I had no other choice. Marcus would come join us for a bit then have to go because he had work early in the morning. Where he was living was very hush hush. No one was to know.
theangelsforgotme 