94. The Year 2016. Proved To Be The Worst Ever, By Far..

The following six months after my brothers death gradually got worse. Was this the rock bottom the card reader was talking about. It had to be. Mourning the death of my brother and watching our mothers deterioration was hard. Days were long but the ironically, my brother managed to send us many signs. Angel’s flying off the shelves. Lights flickering all the time when we would talk about him and many other weird things. He was around us and we could feel him. Of course, wars broke out with his wife’s greedy kids. His wife had ignored his will and put their entire life into her eldest sons name. The druggy. My brothers kids were left out of everything. We all were. We didn’t care to have anything of value. We wanted his denture or some of his clothes, his glasses and we were denied all of it. With the large heavy bag of his ashes his wife had, our whole family was given enough to perhaps fill a cigarette tube. That was all. Throughout my brothers life, his home was a museum. The most expensive items and carvings and collections in the world. He did live the high life. He earned it. Within a few weeks after his passing, his wife called us to ask us about a check my brother wrote to my mother. Fifteen hundred dollars. She was fumed! Really??? My brother was not allowed to put some money onto his mother’s account?? We knew all along that she had never liked us. She was jealous of us. He loved his family so much and she didn’t have one. Her ex husband was abusive. She was a strong lonely woman. Envious of my brothers love for his family. We knew it all along. After his passing, her true colors showed. Paralyzed in the hospital, in a bed with seething kids after you waiting impatiently for her death so they could have a hay day.you push us away?

The only people who accepted you and loved you? Wow. She made sure she denied my mother everything and anything that was her son’s. She discovered in his books with the help of her kids, her wonderful kids, that my brother borrowed two hundred thousand dollars for my case and suing our cousin. She flipped! Thankfully, I had proof that one hundred thousand was returned to him. It was not necessary to give the lawyers that big of a retainer. The hundred thousand though? She went nuts. She wanted me to pay it back. Yeah ok hun. In your dreams. This was not my idea. It was my brothers. Her kids ended up contacting me and threatening me to pay the money back. We all know why that happened. It was money they were going to keep. They wanted to make sure they got every cent they could get their hands on. We ended up sending her an email threatening her to leave us alone and her kids or we would sue her. We never heard another word back after that.

Down the grapevine, the kids started a rumor that we charged our brother two hundred thousand dollars for the kidney my sister gave him. That was fucking low. The lowest yet. The funny thing was, the stupid relatives that were on my fraudster cousins side whom we were suing, all believed it and spread the rumor further. Truthfully? We didn’t really care. It was a load of crap. Evil stops at nothing.

Our one good uncle we had left that was close to us and my brother, his wife and my mother’s sister. My cousin, whom went Awall with her cop husband. Her mother. Out of hundreds of friends and relatives. That trio was all we allowed into our lives. They kept us informed of the gossip going on about us at gatherings and stood up for us always. My uncle was always a peace keeper. He hated the war the family was in. He wanted everyone to get along. Like the olden days but what his other brothers family had done to us, it would never be mended. The lawsuit was in full gear.

Still dormant on the civil case. Ignoring us like crazy. So frustrating. I so badly wanted this Kuma civil suit over with. I wanted to talk. To get my life back. My husband was my rock as always. I could fight the world with him by my side. Our relationship was so strong. He suffered greatly at the loss of my brother. It was as he says it, ” his true brother left him”. It was hard watching everyone around me suffer. So much suffering.

Finally, the lawyers said they were going to try to push an end to this by getting the courts to drop the case siting “grounds for long delay”. Long delay is sure was! Papers were being drawn up and of course the bill was going up as well. Funny, as soon as the court received the papers and the plaintiffs received them. They woke up! On our first court appearance, they gave the courts the excuse that we had not let them question me. Really??? We have been waiting for that along time! What the hell bull crap is that? It worked. The courts extended their time once again. If there was anything I could say about their lawyers, they were sure smart in delaying things. Why not? The trustee was paying him continuously so god forbid he loses the case. He needed the easy cash flow. I still don’t know what they were fighting for. They had nothing. I had it all and they had nothing because there was nothing. You can’t prove innocence guilty.

The waiting game once again. I decided to go see the same card reader and perhaps find out about this “rock bottom” term he used on me in my last reading. I booked a half hour with him. Once again he opened my cards. Swords, war, fighting, death and depression was all I saw. Dear God, what was I going to hear now? Sure enough, he told me that I was still not at rock bottom. I would be successful in my court issues and they will be put behind me but that I had not hit that dreaded rock bottom yet.

What news to hear. How the hell could things get worse? At the age of forty five, all my life, my work, I had nothing. Including my husband hard work and all we had. Lost. Living with my mother. We were stripped of it all. How much further is this bottom? Can I handle more bottom? I was so scared. I wish I had never went. Now I lived in fear of what the heck could happen next? I learned that my brothers wife had taken a turn for the worst but that to me, was not rock bottom. I have empathy for her but to her own choosing, she was done with us and us with her. What else could it be? My kids? Dear God no. How much more anger could God have for me and why? I knew in my heart I could not take much more and it scared me but as long as I had my husband next to me. I could deal with it. This rock of his that I had learned from the moment we met, was my only saviour. I could beat whatever odds were thrown at me. I did this far already. His hugs and kisses gave me air. His tenderness and hard work for his family gave me tingles all the time. From the time we met, those never went away.

The day my world would almost end was August 3rd, 2016. The day the card reader told me was coming. It came. I drove myself insane trying to figure out what it could possibly be. I found out that day in the evening. My husband and I had errands throughout the day. We spoke about many things all day and when we got home, he stood in the kitchen and told everyone about his boss having pancreatic cancer. The only boss he really admired. He was so sad. I got angry with him. I asked him why, for the entire day we were alone together, he didn’t tell me sooner? He told me he wanted to tell the whole family together. What? He always told me everything. So what of he said it again to everyone. I felt as though I was being thrown in the bunch. What happened to you being able to talk to me?

I was hurt. I said goodnight and when he asked me for a kiss I said no. I knew I would kiss him upstairs in our room before we slept like always but I wanted to talk to him about what had just happened in private. I couldn’t go to bed. I went back downstairs and asked him if we could take a drive to macs. We did. He had a weird look on his face. I asked what was wrong. He said “nothing, I don’t want to talk about it”. After prying and trying to get it out of him, he sternly said “if I dont stop asking him he will flip and drop me off, then take off in the car”! It scared the living hell out of me. He had the weirdest look in his eyes. When we pulled back up to the house, he let me out do he could park. I asked the dreaded question, ” are you wanting a divorce”?

I don’t know what made me say that. It was that weird. He didn’t answer me which scared me even more. I went into the house in shock. I was moving so slowly and couldn’t speed up. Everything was happening in slow motion. He came in behind me and said firmly “don’t ever ask me if I want a divorce”! Then walked away. Jesus, what was going on. I had no answers. It was a bomb that dropped just like that! I swear it was exactly like some devil being entered his body in the instant and took over his soul and body. There really is no other way to describe it. When I looked into his eyes, it was not my husband. It truly was someone else’s eyes I was looking into.

For the next few days that passed, matters started getting worse. He was avoiding me and over the top angry with me hating my very soul and well being. His focus was just the kids. We tried to hide it from them. I didn’t want them to know what was going on. What would I say to them anyways? I had no answers. I did not know myself. He made sure to stay far away from me. Up in the bonus room or anywhere I was not. Could anyone understand how hard that was for me? He would not tell me what it was. My mind was going through every little thing in our lives together but we never had fights or anything bad. We should disagree but always made up before we slept. Never anything major. What the hell did I do? He wasn’t telling me. My heart sank. I couldn’t understand.

I was unbelievably angry. I was now alone with no answers as to why? So happily married for 17 years. Our marriage, the envy of so many.

The month before my brother passed away. His usual visit to Calgary to see his cancer doctor, we had given him a bag full of expensive jewelry. My mother wanted to sell some of it to help us financially and some of it we wanted fixed. He had a jeweler he knew well in Edmonton and said he would drop it off on his way home. In that bag we also included my husbands wedding ring. His band was getting thinned out and he had always wanted a thick one. My brother said he would have it fixed. I had given him some more gold to possibly melt down to make it happen. When my brother passed away, the jewelry went missing. We discovered that he did not make it to the jeweler and went straight home. He had picked up his daughter and ended up in the ditch so many times. The roads were bad is what we were told. He would go another time soon. What happened to that bag, we will never know. We have our conclusions though. We know it was his wife’s kids. We know they had found it and stole it. They were constantly ransacking his home. When he ended in hospital, it was the perfect opportunity to do and take whatever they wanted.

In my heart, I knew that as soon as his ring came off his finger, what ever evil that surrounded us, found a way into him. Nothing my husband said or did made any sense. I just know that the feeling within me was that of pure devastation. There really was no other word for it. In September, we learned that my brothers wife had passed on. We were saddened by the news. Saddened at the thought that she would treat us so badly after his passing. We did not attend the funeral.

Our anniversary was coming up. My birthday was coming up. What was going to happen? My insides were constantly shaking. Everyday, was with fear. Everytime I tried to talk to him, what came out of his mouth was pure hatred. Crushing my very existence.

I had so much on my plate already. Too much. This? God, do whatever you need to do to me but why are you taking him away? Why did you lead him to me to take him away from me?

I could understand if I did something horrible. Slept with another man, anything. Nothing? He has been my king and I treated him like one the entire time. As he did me.

The more my brain went into major reversal mode, the more crazy I got. There was nothing. NOTHING! I prayed hard. To God, to the Angel’s but things seemed to only get worse. I could not cover up my emotions and misery. The family started to notice. The kids started to notice. I managed to get him into the car in hopes to try once again to find out why? My sister came with us because she had a dream. The dream was so powerful. The dream was about marcus’s dad. He was standing in a field begging him to take a handful of pills. He kept trying to give it to him but marcus kept refusing. He lowered his head in sadness. What a dream. Right then and there, it made me think. There is something wrong with him. Medically.

I remembered the vows I once took with him. On two occasions. “In sickness and in health “. Yes, those words rang in my ears. My husband was sick. Whether his soul was taken over by the devil or something was wrong with his brain, my husband was sick. I needed to start focusing on that.

On our drive, mt sister began telling him about her dream. He didn’t seem to really care. I started crying, my sister started crying. He began chanting more God things. Sayings and proverbs out loud. It was like his Southern Baptist really started to show. Like he became a priest….but mean. I could sense that he felt like he lost touch with God and he knew his dead father was not happy. Everything out of his mouth was God. Proverb after proverb. So I decided to give prayer another chance. My faith in God had been diminishing. Over two weeks, I prayed twice a day. I told God things I had never talked to him about before. I asked a few questions but I knew I would have to find out myself. My husband was not cheating on me. I knew that in confidence.

I had wrote him a long letter spilling out my feelings. A beautiful letter reminding him of our life together and all our wonderful moments. It was eight pages long. Upon giving it to him, he took about two minutes to read it (meaning he really never did), no response. He had nothing to say back to me.

I was losing him. Two weeks of deep prayer, he was going further away. Naturally? I hated God. I despised his name. I hated the fact that I had wasted so much time of my life thinking he was real. He wasn’t. God wouldn’t do that. This downward spiral was ridiculous, heartbreaking and I would have rather just been dead. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Did it get worse? What do you think? Not just worse but bad enough that I strongly questioned my existence here on earth. I was done. When I hear of suicidal people, i can totally see how they do it. Go ahead with it. I could feel what they felt. I could feel the sadness beyond any grief or depression. I was well well past that.

Weirdly, the thought of my kids was not stopping me either. It was like I didn’t really care. I had no feeling anymore and had cried so much, I had no tears or emotions left.

I just wanted to be done. With everything. Done. Funny God, isn’t it? You must be laughing really hard.