38. Is This Love…That I’m Feeling

I believe people come in and out of your life for a reason. When I met Joe, I would have never guessed that we would be in a relationship. He was a busy man. A pilot. Travelling all over the world. He was wealthy but never flaunted it. He would spoil me. Always taking me out and taking extreme care of my well being. I felt like I was the most important person in his life. We were such good friends and now…we would take things a little more seriously.  We decided to try out a relationship and see how it for with the both of us. He lived in New York and myself in Canada. This would be interesting. For the next little while we would both do whatever it took to see each other. Every flight that had anything to do with Edmonton or Calgary, he took it. We would always meet up at the airport and be like 2 little giddy kids. His kisses were amazing. I truly did feel weak at the knees. What I loved about him most was that he knew a little of my past and my father. He never would rush me into anything and took into consideration, my past. He would handle me so delicately. I sure always felt him trying. When he would arrive in Calgary we would quickly get undressed and get into the bed and we would lay awake all night talking about life. He would caress me the entire time. Kissing me every now and then. His hands would touch every part of my body. He wouldn’t leave an inch of me untouched. He was tall and muscular. Many people that saw us together would always come up to us and have to do a double take. They thought he was Tom Cruise. His height threw everyone off. Tom was short and Joe was very tall. They could be twins. Every facial feature was the same. Even his smile. Picking him up and dropping him off at the airport was fun. I use to always get to go through the staff doors and wait in areas that the public were not allowed to be. In Calgary, there was a large glass window right in front of the dock where the plane sat. I would watch him as he entered the cockpit and blow kisses to each other until he backed the plane away. I loved watching him in action. On one trip, he had an entire day and night to spend with me. I decided to take him to Banff. Beautiful with all the mountains, waterfalls and scenery. We had such a great time. I was being spoiled by the hotel manager like always and the room he gave us was breath taking. So were the views. After eating and drinking all night in the pub downstairs, we headed for our room. As we walked down the hallway, he looked at me and told me he loved me. More than anything in his life. He told me he wanted to make love to me for the first time. I felt OK with it. Weird? We got into our room and he kissed me for one of the longest kisses of my life. We had a great Jacuzzi together in front of the mountains and a roaring fire. As we stepped out of the Jacuzzi, he grabbed me and kisses me again caressing my arms and shoulders. We played in bed and kept kissing each other like that was the only way to breathe. He smelled so good. He cologne was amazing. Just as we would get further in our little rendezvous, I remember touching his penis. Unfortunately, that was all it took. I could not override my brain. There was no way I could go through with this. No matter how much I loved him, my heart said no. Surprisingly he was OK with it. He didn’t yell or get angry. Just plain out understood. He would then cry out of anger for what my father had done. I didn’t want to spoil the evening so I just did my best to caress him so he knew I cared and loved him too. He still treated me as a goddess. At one point in my office one night, I knew he was arriving and was so excited. He came up to the office. We were alone.  I thought to myself..just go ahead with it! Make wild passionate love and don’t care about anything else but how you feel. I was going to surprise him. My office was quite large.  A high class executive office with all the bells and whistles. I didn’t have my condo anymore so if I had to nap or just rest my head, I had a beautiful leather long couch that opened into a bed. When he arrived, our hello kisses would always take at least 20 minutes. Then he would tell me some pilot stories and I would tell him how my days since seeing him last. Since the beginning of our relationship, he would never cone empty handed. Always two dozen long stem roses. At times he would arrive so late at night, I would joke about where the heck he picked them up from. Nothing was opened in Calgary to get roses that beautiful.  He would tell me such funny stories about where he would get them from and what he put the staff on the plane through just to keep them alive and fresh. He would have to buy them with a vase. Then strap it down as a passenger on a seat so they wouldn’t move. If no seat was available he would use the jump-seat in the cockpit and get teased by fellow pilots. Even with all he did for me, I could not bare to make love to him. My mind was not allowing me to. He could see my pain. He still didn’t care to let it bother him. Just being together was more important to him. I would soon start to joke about having kids. He would give me smart ass comments like, “so how could that be possible without sex” and ” so can we have kids now “? He was kidding.  During our relationship, in conversation, he would always say things like he didn’t want kids or he didn’t want a house.  He wanted to travel the world with nothing tying us down. No responsibilities. He also mentioned he didn’t believe In wedding rings or marriage. Two people that loved each other never needed rings or a paper to prove it. I loved him so much I would agree but deep in my heart, I would disagree to everything. I wanted all the things he didn’t want. The more I thought about it, the sadder I would become. Between Joe and my shows, I was consumed thinking about our conversations from the past. I use to go online to chat with him when we couldn’t be together. We talked a lot about the things we wanted out of life. I loved him so much but the more in love I fell, the more I could see we didn’t have a lot in common when it came to our future. We did not have the same dreams and goals. We loved each other for the moment. Even a year later, our relationship would still be in the same place. When he was flying and busy, I would get most of my work done. When I had some free time traveling to a show destination or trying to fall asleep from a rush through my veins after a performance, I would go online and chat with random people. It was fun. I ran into strange people, odd and crazy people, down to earth people, cyber sex maniacs and rarely, some normal people. It was a site called V.P. It stood for virtual places. You could even have little icon pictures of yourself or of whatever you wanted. I would chat in my spare time and have a few laughs. Then I met Marcus.