Blogging my life story for a book has been so difficult. Bringing up so many things I have worked so hard trying to keep down and hidden. Especially at the point in my life now and the present tense I am in. I look around me. My life in complete shambles. I still try to understand why I am here. In the last few months, I have been so depressed and suicidal. The events happening in my life at this present time are unbearable and uncontrollable. So many loved ones around me. So many things I would think would be important to live for but my brain erases it quickly. I truly forgot what it was like to be happy. Even for just one day. Actually just for an hour. I see so much beauty around me. My heart feels the beauty but my soul just wants to cry. I am a tough girl that holds it in really well. No one really knows how I feel inside. My husband, my kids, my family and extended family. Even my best friends. I have gone through so many things in my life as I have blogged so far, and just when things seem to look up, a major devastation happens to put me under again. Never had bad things or kind of bad things like usual people experience, it’s always huge mega devastation. Over and over again. This time, I feel weak. I don’t think I am able to handle what is happening now or soon to come up. A human being can only take so much and then when they reach there threshold, they give up. I’ve never been a quitter. I have come a long way. This time however, it is unsolvable. To explain it better, it now feels like some little demon is cutting away at my actual heart, piece by piece. I can actually feel it! I get a strong pinch and then it goes away. At least ten to twelve times a day. This devastation can’t be solved with money, it’s not a disease or sickness, it’s not war and it has nothing to do with death. When I get to that part of my story, it will be the hardest part to write. With all I have written and been through so far with even more devastation coming up right now, in my story, this today, by far, has been the worst. As people call it, the cherry on the cake. I am not caring who reads this, who doesn’t, I just need people to finally know what happened in my life. The truth. The end all. I cried so hard last night, only in the middle of the night when everyone is finally asleep. I had to document this moment before I go on. I have company over so I have to go..
Now I can continue when I have a moment.
theangelsforgotme 